Sacrifice and Surrender

I'm an addict.

I'm told that the first step toward active recovery is to admit the problem. Therefore, with pause, deep breaths and morose confidence, I am laying it on the line. I am addicted to sacrifice.

Don't tell me that you're unaware of what this means. I love to sacrifice. I live to sacrifice. I used to like to disillusion myself and call it part of my selflessness. My husband calls it "Baptist Guilt".

Though not my vocal belief if anyone were to ask me, I seem to have lived my life according to certain rules.
1. If I sacrifice my desires, it will be pleasing to God and I will be rid of guilt.
2. If I sacrifice my opportunities, it will be pleasing to God and I will be rid of guilt.
3. If I give up on anything and everything that has the possibility of bringing me any happiness, I've got a first class ticket on the freedom train and be rid of my guilt.

Please don't misunderstand. God does call us to make certain sacrifices, all pleasing in his sight and biblical when our hearts are motivated properly. But, did you notice a pattern in my aforementioned rules? My whole life has been motivated by eradicating guilt.

Does that even make sense? Would people be lining up and around the corner to sign up for a God who takes pleasure in watching you suffer? Who requires you to forsake all that stirs your heart and forces you to settle for something that will never make you happy? Who would dictate that unhappiness is, in fact, the very sign that signifies what a good little Christian you are? I certainly don't believe that about the God I serve, but the way I have lived my life has reflected something different entirely.

People use the words sacrifice and surrender as if they are interchangeable, but in fact they are worlds apart in ways that I am only beginning to discover. Sacrifice means to give something up for someone else. It invites images of suffering, of pain, of loss, of struggle. I've relished this image and adopted it as my living blue-print. But surrender, oh, surrender means to let go. To offer it up. To lay it down. To hand over the control. That's different.

I am slowly learning the joys and depths of surrender. I am lethargically remembering the verse where God promises the desires of our hearts. That I should know the plans he has for me. Plans to prosper me, not to harm me-plans to give me hope and a future. I am carefully prying finger after guilty finger from my view of God. Guilt is selfish. Holding onto my guilt is selfish. Believing that if I give up everything I might have been called or created to do, I will be saved is selfish- and not aligned with my core belief in Jesus at all. I'm praying that God replaces my definitions of sacrifice and surrender with his own.